Seven Totally Unsexy Things Runners Do


We’ve all seen him. That beau­ti­ful shirt­less man bound­ing grace­ful­ly down the side of the road, chis­eled body glis­ten­ing in the sun­light. He’s that run­ner who makes you want seri­ous­ly to con­sid­er tak­ing up the sport as you dri­ve by because, for the briefest of moment, you think, “Maybe I could look like that.”

How­ev­er, a fel­low run­ner who sees this man knows the truth: That beau­ti­ful man is just as gross as the rest of us. Runners—no mat­ter what they look like at a glance—share some, if not all, of the fol­low­ing very unsexy behavior.

Snot rock­ets
Just as gross as they sound, snot rock­ets are a very effec­tive way of clear­ing your nasal pas­sages, an obvi­ous­ly impor­tant fac­tor while run­ning. This is one of many rea­sons not to fol­low too close­ly behind a runner.

The moist spots around the neck, armpits, smalls of our backs, and…other places are badges worn with great pride with­in the run­ning com­mu­ni­ty. No one actu­al­ly finds this attrac­tive, yet we run­ners can’t help but be proud of them.

Sure, we all do it, but run­ners will do it any­where: a con­struc­tion site’s port-o-pot­ty, three feet into the ‘woods’ (read: a neigh­bor­hood park with two or more trees), a ditch on the side of the road, in their own pants…honestly, it rarely matters.

Well, if pee is no big thing, why stop there? Okay, so the major­i­ty of run­ners won’t poop anywhere–they will still go more places than the aver­age per­son, and they sure as hell are will­ing to talk about it more than the aver­age per­son. The only peo­ple who rival a runner’s readi­ness to dis­cuss what they ate and how it ulti­mate­ly came out are climbers and new moth­ers dis­cussing their new­borns’ dia­per goodies.

Nip­ple band-aids
This is unique­ly a guy thing. Miles and miles of hav­ing a shirt bounc­ing up and down will even­tu­al­ly wear down your nips and cause them to bleed. Gross? Yes. Nec­es­sary? Absolutely.

Yet anoth­er guy-only prob­lem (hope­ful­ly). This is when a beard­ed man runs in cold tem­per­a­tures and actu­al­ly devel­ops frozen ici­cle-look­ing things hang­ing from his beard. These ‘ici­cles’ are often­times com­posed of frozen snot and drool.

If there’s a crack or crevasse, a run­ner will fill it with Vase­line or Body Glide. If you’ve ever been on a long run and returned home with chaf­ing, you under­stand why. Ouch!

So, next time you see that mod­el-look­ing run­ner bounc­ing beau­ti­ful­ly along, remem­ber that he prob­a­bly has his shirt off because he sweats too much and doesn’t want to deal with band-aids on his nip­ples, his butt cheeks are curi­ous­ly water­proofed with goop, and he just may be run­ning as fast as he is because he doesn’t want to crap his pants. In oth­er words, run­ning is crude. Be ready or join the ten­nis team.